After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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