I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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