Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
