I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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