so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
