You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
