She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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