don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Someone signed my nipple.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
