just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
