I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
