She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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