So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
