Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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