wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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