the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
