I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
