I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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