The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
