I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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