peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
