so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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