Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
