then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
