This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
