You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
