im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
