Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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