Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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