I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My liver just had a heart attack.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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