I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
