I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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