I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
