i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
