I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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