rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
