Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
A+ Viking dick
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
