my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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