someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
