I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I got her a Nickelback box set.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
