I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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