I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
