its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
