Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
