I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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