apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
