I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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