i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
