my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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