she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
