he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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