I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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