how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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