Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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