The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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