I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
