My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
