im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Enjoy the penises
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
